Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Heart Are Made To Be Broken...

There is not a more fitting a title for my "Welcome Back" post than this quote by Oscar Wilde.

"The Heart are made to be broken..."

I'm happy to say that my family and I are beginning to find some normalcy to our most recent situation.

It was only a few days ago that I realized how ambiguous my last post, "Gimme a Break" was. I received a very concerned email from Gellman at SCU that made me see that I didn't consider that most people would think that I might be talking about something horrible happening to my son, Connor. For that, I apologize.

We are still working with the doctor's to determine his condition and we have a second round of blood tests to conduct next Tuesday. For the time being, he is still having issues but is fine for the most part. I didn't intend to mislead anyone. I simply typed that post and walked away. I haven't even reread it in the last few days. So, to those of you that may have been worried about Connor, I sincerely apologize.

Back to the reason that I felt that I needed to take a break from my work here.

I've now erased this post three times and started from scratch and I don't know how to begin other than to come out and say it.

We found out that we were pregnant on Sunday, August 3. On Tuesday, August 12, just a little more than one week later, our second pregnancy turned into our first (and hopefully last) miscarriage.

I can't remember the last time I've hurt so much over something. Actually, yes, I do remember. It was the day that I got received the first sonogram pictures of Connor.

On Wednesday, May 21, 2003, I received an email from my wife, Lori. I was stationed in Afghanistan for what would be the first of two tours there. This is how it began:

"hey darling,

I want you to meet your son."

What should have been one of the happiest moments in my life became one of the most bittersweet. I couldn't be a part of the one and only thing I've ever wanted. I missed all of the sonograms. I never once felt my child kick in his mother's belly. I never sang to him or held my wife at night when she was sick and miserable. I wasn't there the morning the water broke to drive her to the hospital. I missed the birth by 2 1/2 hours.

I can't imagine that I'll ever find peace over missing everything with Connor's birth and the pregnancy.

I've longed for the day that I would be able to be a part of it all. But, to stand there and be told, "I'm sorry, but there's nothing there anymore" never crossed my mind. That's not the way it was supposed to go.

Against our better judgment, we decided to tell Connor that, "Mama has a baby in her belly." I've never seen him so happy over anything his entire life. He literally smiled for 15 minutes. He just couldn't quit grinning.

One week later, he sat in my arms and cried, asking "why" over and over.
It broke my heart that Connor's concern was that it would take, "another long time again" for him to have a little baby sister or brother.

I know that some may question that we decided to tell Connor the truth about the miscarriage. Yes, I did "dumb it down" for him and I did put in terms that he would understand. Some of you may think that's bad parenting. I don't think there is a better way. While I don't tell him everything that happens, I don't lie to him about the things that I do choose to tell him either. If I can't tell him the truth, then I can't tell him anything about it. It wasn't fair to him either way.

We've all come to terms with it at this point and are ready to move on and try again. I hate that I walked away from posting here for so long, but I assure you, you wouldn't have wanted to read anything I had to say anyways. I wasn't myself, to say the least.

I appreciate the heartfelt comments left on my blog and all of the emails that I received. My family and I thank each of you for your concern during this difficult time. I am truly appreciative of the friendships that I've gained from this endeavor.

But, now, I'm back and ready to get back into the swing of things. I don't know how often I'll post. It could be more, it could be less, but it will definitely continue. I can't promise you what this blog will be anymore, though. I have realized that I've let it consume me more than it should have since it began. It will be here, it will be updated, but it will be more on my terms now as opposed to being based on the expectations of anyone.

I started doing this because I enjoyed it. I want to make sure that the same still holds true.

Thanks for all of your patience and I hope you keep coming back to TNB in the future!


darkship said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thought and prayers are with you and your family.

William Noetling said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss, and yes, it is a loss.

Still, I'll try to find a bit of humor in your words to send a small amount of comfort your way.

I know you were halfway around the world during Conner's gestation and missed all the important moments during the pregnancy, and of course, that is an experience that you can never get back.

Here's the thing:

You didn't miss much.

My wife works in Beverly Hills, in a very, very fancy clothing store just a block away from world famous Rodeo Drive. About a month into her pregnancy her boss decides that my wife's regular doctor is an idiot and demands that we go to her gynecologist, who is located, you guessed it, on Rodeo Drive. The care was fantastic though, I'll admit.

We had five or six ultrasounds, I forget how many (though I'm sure we're still paying for the doctor bills, damn PPO), which is probably the most exciting part of the pregnancy, when you can actually see the baby inside your wife's belly.

Everything else is pretty much either creepy or a pain in the butt. For example, feeling the child kick inside is just weird IMO - I know, I've seen too many horror movies, and ALIEN was outlawed in the house for nine months. Oh and here's something that they don't really tell you, when the baby kicks inside, it hurts the momma!

Late night visits to the grocery store to buy whatever the heck your hormonal wife needs at that moment aren't necessarily the most fun thing either, and then of course, that same hormonal wife can be loving you one minute and hating your guts the next.

I won't even go into marital relations, because, a) that's private and b) mature. Suffice to say, that whole thing creeped me out even more than feeling her tummy.

I'll tell you this, and this is supposed to be the funny part:

If my wife gets pregnant again, I might sign up to go overseas for a few months, just because dang, I don't need to go through that again!

Oh and we had a bit of a pregnancy scare ourselves this last weekend. While a new baby would of course be celebrated, we're not anywhere near where we need to be financially, and our daughter is just 22 months old right now, the time couldn't be worse.

In any case, I wish you and your family the best. Things have a very funny way of working themselves out for the best, just wait and see. In the mean time, celebrate Conner and your wife and treat them kindly, for they are the best part of you.

Motherscratcher said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I know a lot of people who have gone through that and it can be devastating. Just don't give up hope. I tend to relate a lot of things to movies so I'll just remind you that it caught up to Nathanial Huffheins, owner of Unpainted Arizona, with a vengence.

I am relieved to hear that Connor is doing OK. After reading that he was a little sick and then getting bad news I really feared the worst.

jv said...

Thanks, MS.

I really hate that you thought it was Connor that this was about. I kick myself everytime I think about it.

I really don't want people to think I did it on purpose... I hope readers think more highly of me than that...