Sunday, August 10, 2008

The MySpace Blogs...Blog 01

Until last night, while chatting with Dave of Fielder's Choice, I had forgotten that I had started a blog at MySpace earlier in the year. It wasn't so much a blog in the sense that I wrote it for strangers as much as I did to make my friends laugh. Once TNB began, I was basically just pasting links there as a means to get back to here.

The first is a little graphic. Although it's funny, it's graphic. And, sadly enough, it's true.

The MySpace Blogs 3 part series is not Baseball related so feel free to skip it if you want. However, there's some pretty funny stuff in there...

Oh, and by the way, the two guys commenting are two buddies of mine that posted comments to the original. I'm bringing them over for posterity's sake... Enjoy!!

Fitting that I start out this way...
Current mood: awake
Category: Life
Original Posted: Sunday, Feb 3, 2008

This is my first attempt at blogging and I think it only fitting that I relay a story to you about something that has been a tremendously abundant factor in my life. Marriage? No. Kids? No. My military exploits? No. What is it you might ask?

Shitting. Plain and simple.

I think you can handle what little language I intend to use here to illustrate what occurred. If not, sorry, your loss. It's pretty damned funny.

A few nights ago at work I sat down to have a late lunch. I chose, from the many delectable choices spread across the menu of my restaurant, to eat a simple salami sandwich on sourdough with a little pizza sauce for good measure. As a side item I decided on a cup of macaroni and cheese with some chili mixed in.

As anyone who knows me will attest, I then proceeded to "smother" my side item in Tabasco sauce. If ever I choose to stop eating Tabasco sauce I can guarantee you that they will have to file for bankruptcy. I pay their light bill with as much as I buy.

Midway through my meal it became abundantly clear to me that I would need to shit very soon. I finished my meal and proceeded to the restroom. It was slow going at first because I had an upset stomach and some minor constipation. After nearly 5 minutes of agony I felt a sneeze coming on.

My face squenched. My ears rose. My eyes dimmed. As the first millisecond of the sneeze occurred an unexpected belch developed as well. At that point I was so committed to the sneeze that I had absolutely no control over canceling the sneeze's progress nor had I any say in hindering the belch's development.

Both occurred simultaneously. The belch brought small remnants of my meal back into my throat at which point the sneeze propelled those remnants into my nasal cavity. An overwhelming pain shot through a part of my throat that had apparently never been exposed to Tabasco sauce. This same pain then seared through my nose as hot sauce slathered chili and mac-n-cheese began to pour out of my nose.

As I sat there in pain, food coming out of my nose, my eyes welled up with tears. Somewhere during this course of this episode all of my body's conscious and subconscious focus rested solely on the face and upper throat region. It was at this time that the rest of my body lost all of its natural inhibitions and I began to uncontrollably...how should I say this...shit everywhere.

It was one of the most uncomfortable situations I've ever experienced.

Wow, what a good first blog. I'm proud.

3 comments:

Sammy The Magic Penguin said...

I'm laughing uncontrollably while reading this and Audrey keeps asking me what's so funny. How do I explain that to a four year old?

jv said...

Start at the very beginning and talk using very vivid motions with your hands. She's a smart kid. She'll understand.

Stacy said...

I coughed a gigantic piece of onion up my nose one time. I held my bowels, though. Eric (Sammy The Magic Penguin) was there.