Sunday, August 10, 2008

The MySpace Blogs...Blog 02... Z O M B I E S


Zombies have infected me...I MEAN AFFECTED ME...I’m not a zombie, I promise
Category:Movies, TV, Celebrities
Original Posted: Fri, Jan 18, 2008

Tonight, my wife and son are on the road to visit my younger sister during the baby shower for my impending niece. I'm going to curl up on the couch with my Chihuahua, Yoga Sprinkles, drink about 12 budweisers and watch all of the scary zombie movies I've been missing lately. My wife refuses to watch horror movies at anytime of the day, anywhere.

With that in mind, I want my second blog to be about something as equally important to me as shitting. Actually, I'm doing it while shitting. Tonight's topic is:

Z O M B I E S

Steadily creeping up my all time favorite movies of all time list (I'm from the Department of Redundancy Department) is the oft-overlooked remake of a true American Classic, Dawn of the Dead.

Throughout the whole of my life, I've never had anything affect me as forcefully as this movie. I have never been more scared of anything in my life. It's not zombies, per say, that scare me. Its zombies that run after you like you just stole their wallet that scare the everlovin' shit out of me.

Come casually strolling towards me, arms outstretched, uneaten portion of a woman's cerebellum hanging out of your mouth, I'm cool with that. I can get away from you. You're not, under any circumstances whatsoever, going to catch me. I'll actually probably taunt you somewhat before I heroically kill you with a claw hammer.

However, open up full gait like a thoroughbred at the gunshot whilst coming after me, and, I'm sorry, but I'm going to lie down and cry while you eat me. I'm not even going to fight. I'm actually probably going to strategically manipulate my jugular into the most opportune position for the zombie to end me quicker. I don't necessarily want to be the undead's meal. Instead, I would prefer to die quickly during the dining experience so that I can at least come back as a zombie myself. Undead life is better than no life.

This movie has affected me in ways that I can not begin to explain fully to you nor comprehend for my own sanity. I lie awake in bed at night at least 3 or 4 times a month, unable to sleep, planning my escape were this ever to become a reality. Unbeknownst to my wife (until this blog, that is) I have gone as far as to strategically place items such as flashlights, clothing, and weaponry at various locations and/or hotspots around my home.

I do this so that in the event of an attack by marathon running zombies not only will I be prepared but I will also look really cool to my wife as if I instinctively knew how to react to said attack without warning. That will make the "we're safe from the zombies for a while" sex even that much more amazing. How cool would it be to reminisce 20 years later and tell your child while lovingly hugging your wife, "yep, little Jason Jr., I remember the night you were conceived."

For anyone who has yet to see this movie, I must make the following disclaimer:

WARNING: YOU MUST WATCH THIS MOVIE ALL THE WAY PAST THE CREDITS TO THE BITTER END! IF YOU WATCH MORE THAN 10 MINUTES OF THIS MOVIE AND DO NOT ULTIMATELY COMPLETE IT, YOU WILL NOT GET THE FULL EFFECT OF WHAT I HAVE DESCRIBED!

If you stop midway of the movie you will say to yourself, "that's kinda scary I reckon' but I wutn't too afeared of it." That's what you will say if you are a hillbilly under the circumstances listed above. If you are a normal speaking American it will sound similar to the following, "I suppose that was somewhat scary but, in all honesty, by Jove I wasn't quite as scared as I anticipated." That pretty much covers everyone except for the, "by Jove" part. Not many people will say that.

My point being is that the credits are by far the scariest part of the entire movie. You obviously have to watch the entire movie to get the full effect, i.e. you can't just watch the credits and say, "those last 5 minutes alone, without any knowledge of the rest of the movie, scared the pure-d-hell out of me." It doesn't work that way, Clem.

I won't spoil the movie for anyone who has yet to see it. But, I recommend that you go out and rent it at your earliest convenience. Don't say I didn't warn you though.

3 comments:

Stacy said...

Have you seen "Shaun of the Dead"? It is awesome.

I know what you mean about the lying in bed unable to sleep thing. When I worked as a security gaurd at American Furniture, I got to thinking about what an awesome predator the velociraptor must have been. I don't see how anybody could get away from one really. I mean, a lion . . . maybe. A bear, . . . okay. But a raptor, no freakin' way man. I got myself so worked up thinking about how to get away from them, that I broke out into a run for the front office (this is at, like, 2 A.M.) I felt pretty stupid for reacting to an extinct animal like that. But after a little bit, I got to thinking about it again. I had to leave early. It was freaking me out. And when I went out to the car, I was fumbling with my keys, trying to hurry. It was scary, man. Those things are scary.

I think I am going to go rent "Resident Evil 3" now.

Jove = Zeus.

jv said...

Stacy, there is a link below to a great organization devoted to helping people with your condition. I hope this is of use to you...

http://www.velociraptors.info/

Jess said...

I had actually forgot how much you crack me up!