Sunday, August 10, 2008

The MySpace Blogs...Blog 03

Last one...I swear...

My Favorite Method of Hurting People Who Deserve It
Current mood: apathetic
Original Posted: Wed, January 23, 2008

If you know me at all, then you know that I occassionally use a phrase to describe the method of vengeance I intend to met out to someone who has just wronged me or put me in a position of awkwardness. I use this phrase as a "last resort". A way of describing what I would consider the worst form of payback at that present moment.

Mind you it's probably not the worst thing you could do to a person. For instance, you might make fun of my purple polo work shirt. That's not reason enough for me to say, "I'm going to burn your house down." That's not even really reason enough to say, "I wish you would french kiss the grill of a moving Greyhound Bus." That's a little extreme.

My favorite catchphrase in this regards is much simpler, straightforward, and logical. I consider it to be the most extreme because, with the exception of the time Reed disrespected my wife and I punched him in the face or the time I broke my stepbrother's nose playing football, I'm not a violent person. This phrase seems to me to be the worst thing I could do to someone at the time.

In all the times that I had used my phrase I had never truly considered the ramifications of it. It's not something so elaborate that you have to plan how you will carry it out. You can prewarn someone that you intend to eventually do this to them for what they've done to you or, if it serves you better, you can do it immediately.

What is this phrase?

"I'm going to punch you in the throat."

Notice there is no exclamatation point at the end. It's not said in anger. You don't have to prove your furious with someone by shouting it or saying it forcefully. The nature of the act alone details it's own ferociousness. If someone knows that you're going to punch them in the throat it's worry enough. You don't have to say it with any sense of empowerment.

Until last night, I have been proud of my use of this phrase. Luckily, for some of the individuals I've said this to, I've never had to actually do it. The fear of the impending attack was enough to get my point across. But simply having this effective phrase in my arsenal has been, to me, a sense of achievement.

I have sincerely intended to make good on my statement many times. In a sense, I have some regret that I never fulfilled this promise. I think it would have been a learning experience for both myself and the victim. I do, however, worry that I would have become addicted to carrying out the act had I at least done it once.

It is with deepest sorrow that I have to tell you that I will no longer be utilizing this phrase. I have officially retired this to the history of Jason.

Why? Why would I do such a thing? Last night, Connor was watching the new animated Transformers on Cartoon Network. He would watch for about 2 minutes and then he would go barrelling through the house acting out what he was seeing on the television. Near the end of the program, I decided to join in.

All was well for the first 10 minutes of play. He would transform from Optimus to Bumblebee to Jazz. Occassionally he would transform from an Autobot to a Decepticon. This would confuse me entirely as to what my current status was in role play. Obviously, if he is one, I am the other.

I pulled my hood over my eyes and proclaimed, "I am NoEyesBot!" and began to blindly chase him. He alluded me several times until I finally cornered him by the chair. I swung him victoriously above my head as he flopped and writhed to escape. I eventually balanced him upright above my head at which point his feet darted straight out in front of him.

His left foot landed on my head. For some reason, I got a kick out of it, no pun intended. As I began to laugh my head tilted back at a reasonably large angle and the first sounds of laughter began to break from my voice. Before I could release anything audible to describe to Lori, who was sitting on the couch, what was occuring, his right foot swooped in and clocked me square in the, you guessed it, throat.

I immediately crumpled to the ground! Amidst the coughing and gagging from the pain of the small foot slamming into my larynx I began to think of one thing, over and over again. "I can't believe I ever wanted to punch anyone in the throat! This shit hurts!!"

For the next 5 or 6 minutes, while recovering from the shocking blow, I made a vow. I will never again threaten to punch anyone in their throat. No man should feel what I've felt.

Deep down I'll still always want to. I don't know if I'll ever completely dissolve the urge. I'll just have to try to remember what it would be like to walk a mile in their turtleneck. But, since I'm somewhat of an unimposing figure, I do still need something at the ready to say in the event that I need to assert myself and how far I'm willing to go to correct someone's attitude or actions.

Any suggestions?


Sammy The Magic Penguin said...

Wow! Let's want to use a threat that is violent to the victim, yet still reasonable enough to leave the victim unsure if you will actually do it or not.

Several things come to mind. First I thought along the lines of you threatening to rip the victim's heart from his chest or eating his children, but both are obviously way to violent, thus leaving the intended victim knowing you will not carry out the threat.

Then I thought maybe you could threaten to kick the victim in the shin or libel them in the local newspaper. A little more reasonable, but who would really care. Maybe the shin might get some people, but still I don't think it is violent enough. Not like a punch in the throat anyway.

Finally, I settled on threatening people with professional wrestling moves. There is a level of violence, but a level reasonable enough that you just might do it. Plus, you could change it up from time to time.

For example, let's say I offend you in some way, you could say to me, "Eric, if you do that again, I'm gonna choke slam you."

The next time I offend you, you could throw out something like, "I'm about to drop an elbow from the top turnbuckle." It leaves me bewildered. I'm thinking, "wha...huh...did he just say...the last time he said he would choke slam me, now he's gonna drop a 'bow. This cat must be serious." The victim now knows you mean business.

If you need a list a good wrestling moves you can let me know. I was quite the westling afficionado back in the day. In fact I have used such threats myself. Trust me, they work.

Stacy said...

If you want them to think you are unbalanced or something, I like things like:

Lick, lick, lick, I want to kill a puppy and eat it.


I will stab you in the eye with a coke bottle.


Redrum. Redrum. Redrum.

But, for tough without the whole "Oh my God, he's an insane, psycho killer," I like:

I will piss in your mouth, and you will swallow. (okay, a little crazy.)


I will break your coccyx. (Sounds like you know your bones, and how to break them.)


I will crack your bones between my teeth.

Or you could just mumble incoherently in German, saying, "Heil!" alot.

Or you could spit on their nose. After doing this a couple of times, you would have a rep. "Hey, don't mess with that guy, he'll spit on your nose."

Motherscratcher said...

I'd like to recommend something that may be right up your alley. It's a phrase that was popularized by Rodney Farva in Super Troopers.

When confronted simply tell the opponent that you will "punchasize their face for free".

They will definately know what this means, but the fact that they've never actually heard someone say "punchasize" will certainly cause at least a moments hesitation that may ultimately mean the difference between victory and defeat.

Also, the fact that you are seemingly introducing some sort of economic transaction into the situation will the thoroughly confusing to even the most quick thinking adversary. Most people like anything that is free and will initially feel a jolt of jubilation at their possibly good fortune.

Ultimately, the vast majority of possible recipients of this multy pronged, ninja like attack will undergo a plethora of emotions in a matter of seconds. Anger, distant recognition, confusion, apprehension, and finally glee. Follow this with a smack across the nose and a person won't know whether to crap or go fishing.

Obviously, there are a few people for whom this technique will not work. Chuck Norris, the Chinese guy from Remo William, Patrick Swayze, and obviously Officer Farva himself. Just use you judgement and you will be fine.

I hope this helps.

jv said...

damn, that comment's better than my post,